~Written by Danielle Bilski ~
For years, this website has given me inspiration to be creative and has been a place I’ve taken comfort in when my life hasn’t made sense. It’s also celebrated my achievements, paid tribute to significant people, and attempted to capture important experiences throughout my time here.
Since I started studying literature at university in August 2011, I realise the majority of posts have consisted of fictional pieces I wrote for submission. The manuscript has remained untouched for a few years like a piece of me that has been neglected and as it’s unseen, sometimes I wonder whether it even exists. While I’ve learnt so many things, completed short stories, poetry and essays as well as read more books in the past five years than ever before, working on my manuscript and this website made me feel a different kind of fulfillment.
Remembering why I decided to go back to university – to receive my degree and learn more about writing – is an important task which I often overlook these days. Two years and twelve units completed off-campus (read: alone) has had a profound effect on my lifestyle, social life, financial status, mobility, thought patterns, self esteem, confidence and self worth. It has made me continuously evaluate my life and it’s also taught me a lot about the people around me, many who haven’t ever been to university or TAFE (let alone as a mature age student).
While I know it’s never a good idea to compare yourself or your life to others, it has been incredible difficult for me to be surrounded by people who have jobs, money, houses, cars, go on holidays, and can afford to buy gifts for others when I’ve sacrificed all of those things to be able to achieve higher education with no definitive outcome. It’s incredibly scary and emotionally draining! In hindsight, focus on that has been a waste of time and is not conducive to success or personal fulfillment.
It could be said that writing a novel has the same kind of consequences, however I guess I always justified them to myself by the following:
a) I could still maintain a casual job without interference in my creativity
b) not having the pressure of it being marked alongside other students’ work
c) being able to stop and start it whenever I needed to
d) not having to make a minimum three year commitment to ensure its completion.
After taking a five month break at the end of last year, following two entire years of study (or over one hundred weeks straight) I was looking forward to recommencing my course to get some structure and achievement back in my weekdays. Eight and a half weeks into my next study period, I’m looking forward to getting the remaining eleven units done in twelve months. This will mean having to take three subjects in at least three study periods, which is more than a full time load and more like a full time week of work. I have planned to only enrol in two units over the festive season to account for how busy that time of year is.
I’m not sure it’s the right decision and whether I can get through it without going completely crazy but I’ve come so far and I’m ready for this part of my life to be over. I don’t feel like an adult or in control of many things in my life, so the ability to manage my study is the main motivation that’s keeping me going when I receive a disappointing mark (which did happen this week) and could very easily give it all up for a more ‘normal’ life.
Looking back, there were other factors that influenced my decision to complete my degree. At the time, I was having difficulty finding a job and my level of writing knowledge was at its limit. This ensured the manuscript was of a pedestrian standard, no matter how thoroughly planned the plot and characterisation or how genuine my effort was. I was also more adament that I would make my life what I wanted it to be: full of creativity, passion, knowledge and non-materialistic, doing something I loved for free instead of doing something unfulfilling for an income. Hopefully when I get my BA I will be able to find a career that combines both something I love that I can be paid to do. As a writer and a student, I am expected to think a lot. Obviously, that can easily turn into thinking too much!
This website has gotten me through these times in the past and helped me turn them into a positive, sincere snapshot of the person I am at that particular time. I intend on relying on it a lot more, especially over the next fifty six weeks.
Two months ago, I started keeping a digital journal about what the second half of the course is like for me; using videos, photos and typed diary entries to trace my progress. It’s strange to see myself onscreen, to listen to how I speak and watch my mannerisms. It has been a different experience than I’ve had with this website which is much more philosophical, creative, positive in tone and content, plus arguably more articulate. Nevertheless, the more opportunities there are available for personal expression, the more I can learn about myself.
I’ve been reading ‘Infinite compassion for an imperfect world’ by the Dalia Lama which I received as a Christmas present last year. It gives me some perspective and has taught me that attachment to anything is an illusion. We are all a vital part of one, big earth-family.
Oh my goodness! Speaking of fifty six weeks to go, I just realised that the end of April yesterday was the fifty sixth month since mytimewithyou.com.au was launched on 4th August 2009! Along with some other significant anniversaries this year, such as two weeks ago marking ten years since my Papa passed away, I’m inclined to believe this is not a coincidence. If you’ve read some of the other posts on this website, you’ll know there’s something bigger influencing this project.
Restoring my faith and realising what my purpose is; one month, week, and word at a time.
My time with you
©2014 Danielle N. Bilski