~ Written by Danielle N. Bilski ~
I was just having a look through the Archive of mytimewithyou.com.au, and I discovered it’s been just over six months since I actually wrote a new post exclusively for this website: post number 94 on 6th August 2014. That post was relatively short and was dedicated to the website’s 5th birthday. Subsequently, the last twenty posts (95-114) have been a combination of short fiction I wrote for my course assessments and some of my favourite photographs taken with my digital 12mp Fujifilm camera (prior to my birthday) and my new Nikon DSLR camera (my incredible family gave me for my birthday last year). Even before that post, short fiction, poetry and photographs dominate the archive. Have I been hiding or too busy to write original prose? The answer is more complex than that, as you’ll find out.
One thing I’ve noticed is these last twenty posts have attracted more attention and feedback than any of the other posts of prose and poetry I’ve posted on this website over the past five and a half years. One possible reason for this could be the self-contained nature of these creative pieces. They weren’t created for this website; they’ve been showcased by the capabilities of this medium. Photographs and short stories cause emotional reactions; serve their own purpose; and demand a short amount of time to be viewed or read. While each mtwy prose has a particular theme, at its core each one is a direct acknowledgment of my time with you in the places and at the times I wrote it and you’re reading it. Nevertheless, the prose captures a dynamic process – a part of the whole – while the photographs and short fiction are whole, complete pieces produced from their own sincere intention; a part of mtwy but not made by or for its specific purpose.
The decision to include these creative pieces on my website was deliberate. However, I initially thought I was cheating a little bit because I wasn’t writing prose as well. This blog was created as a way for me to capture my journey through life as I wrote my first manuscript. When I started studying my current university course in August 2011, I continued to write prose and documented my reading lists, learning process and my reaction to the marks I received.
Then something changed. In 2013 I went through a difficult time with my education and my life in general. Writing couldn’t save me this time. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually exhausted, I desperately needed a break – from everything which had consumed my attention for so many years. I had studied for two years straight without even one week off and I’d also worked part time at a local cafe for eight months during that time. So in September 2013 I made the decision to take some time off when circumstances in my family and personal life made it relatively impossible to keep up with the study workload, or for me to continue producing work of a standard I expected of myself.
My motivation was extremely low by this stage. On a positive note, I was exactly halfway through my degree. I’d already conquered adversity in more ways than one. Having a family member is hospital in November 2013 and having attended three funerals in six months made the decision to take time off a wise one for me as you’ll see. I ended up taking six months off to refresh and I enjoyed my first Christmas and summer holiday in two years. The summer of 2012-13, I’d studied full time and worked part time; the summer prior to that (2011-12) I’d started my third and fourth university units, embracing the new experience. This time last year (2013-14), I was looking forward to an overnight stay in a B&B with my Mum at the end of February. It was a lovely, relaxing weekend at the hot springs and down the beach. We both needed it!!
When I recommenced studying at the beginning of March 2014, I received my first High Distinction for an assessment – 100%, 30 out of 30. This gave me a High Distinction of 80% overall for the unit. I was pleasantly surprised. No one achieves perfection, I thought. Then I did! This is when the real fun began.
I immediately followed this achievement with my greatest challenge so far – I completed three units in one study period (which is more than a full time load and more than is recommended for off-campus students). I’d read some online forums and was inspired by other students who’d managed to complete three units in a thirteen week study period. I surprised myself again by achieving my self-imposed impossibility. Don’t get me wrong. There are many times I was ready to give up and every week there was something due for one unit, or several. Not to mention the amount of actual reading involved so we could learn the things we needed to demonstrate we had learned by completing the assessments, weekly exercises, providing constructive feedback on other students creative pieces, writing our own creative pieces and writing essays.
I’m happy to tell you, the hard work did eventually pay off. Firstly, I met my own expectation of achieving Distinctions for at least two units – I walked away with two Distinctions and one Credit added to my transcript. Within those overall marks are smaller achievements. I was shocked and ecstatic to receive a High Distinction of 90%, 27 out of 30 for my first fictional crime short story. The deepest secret of that experience was the fact I’d written it the day it was due and completed it in five and a half hours. This was not because I was lazy or disorganised. Doing three units at once, I obviously didn’t have the luxury of being lazy. The fact was, I just couldn’t get out of my own head enough to start writing it any earlier. The brief stated it had to be one thousand words, first person perspective in either the crime or contemporary romance genre. For some reason I just didn’t know where to start until the morning it was due. I wouldn’t recommend it, but for me the pressure brought out a level of literary craftsmanship I’d never achieved before. It was magical!
I then received another High Distinction of 85%, 17 out of 20 for my participation mark in the same unit. Let me put this in context. Until then, my average marks had been between 70 and 75, with some slightly above 75 and below 70. This was the kind of confidence boost I needed to sustain me throughout the second half of my degree.
Especially after I produced a piece that received the worse mark I’ve ever seen on a piece of my work. It turns out I’m wonderful in first person, not so good in third person – particularly after submitting a 2,000 word essay on the Friday afternoon; a 3,000 word short story and a 1,000 word self reflection essay on the Sunday night after attending a family member’s surprise birthday party that day; and another family member being admitted to hospital on the same Monday the aforementioned third person short story was due. I’m not telling you all of this to excuse my efforts, merely to place it in context. I still don’t believe the mark was deserved nor that the piece is as unreable or underdeveloped as was suggested. Nevertheless, something had to give and that was the something for me. Put it this way: the mark was below 50%, so I was happy to even pass the unit. In actual fact, it was a metaphor for my year, swinging from absolute high (90%) to indescribable low (<50%).
I should also mention, during this time many other major and life-changing things were happening; both devastating and wonderful events. Sadly, my family and other families close to me lost loved ones throughout 2014. They are all in my thoughts as I write this. Some family members were unwell last year, for various reasons. Some of those people have recovered well and completely while others continue to deal with ongoing treatment in 2015. My thoughts are also with them now, wherever they are in their journey at this moment. Understandably, this made for an extremely emotional year for myself and those around me. At the time, it seemed quite relentless. Now, it’s just as vivid in my mind and heart, to be honest. I was relieved when the year ended and this new one began. Australia as a nation was tested many times in 2014 and reacted with such resilience and compassion in times of both sheer devastation and overwhelming elation. What incredible people in such a beautiful country! This gave me some perspective of a wider community when I got too caught up in my own issues.
Similarly, the exciting events I was lucky enough to be apart of were just as prevelant. These included a long-awaited engagement, I attended a beautiful garden wedding, gave a speech as a proud granddaughter at a ninetieth birthday party, I attended a seventieth birthday party, an academic certificate was achieved by someone I love and some thirtieth birthdays which were celebrated with love, happiness and among the most special people in my life. These moments of celebration restored some balance to an unpredictable time for so many of us.
Some profound moments also happened. April 2014 marked the tenth anniversary since our patriarch left us. In September, my Mum and I visited two churches that played a significant role in the lives of some of our family members. I can’t do the experiences justice here, but the same week that happened was a week filled with sadness of loss, a birthday, visiting a family member in hospital and a lovely day in the city. The universe was taking care of us, even as it sent our world spinning out of control.
All these changes made it relatively impossible for me to make any sense of them at that time or even for some time afterwards. I honestly wasn’t sure when I’d have a chance to breathe a sigh of relief after stepping off a roller-coaster I don’t remember choosing to ride. The only attention I could give to mtwy was in the work I was already doing academically and the photographs I was taking in a subconscious attempt to stop time, even for that split second. I didn’t feel like I had control over many things, but showcasing my work gave me a feeling of unrivaled accomplishment, even when mtwy wasn’t the primary medium for which they were produced.
In effect, this post has chronicled the past eighteen months of time I didn’t share directly with you. It has taken me months to comprehend it all and now it’s in words, I’m astounded I made it out the other side as well as I have. Having compromised so much time with many of my closest friends for such a long time, not many of them will know what I went through. Time has made me highly introverted and more closely guarded than I used to be. I’ve been unrealistically hard on myself many times. I feel things very intensely, but towards the end of last year I was emotionally numb.
Not only have many things changed around me, I have changed as a consequence. My hope for this year is to nurture my creativity; be kinder to my spirit; be calmer and more social; to trust myself; and to allow myself more time to reflect. I’m so grateful to be where I am now, to have the self-awareness to learn and grow. Where will 2015 take me?
Looking ahead, I am excited to attend the wedding of two of the most lovely, fun, sincere friends this Sunday. I’m also currently awaiting feedback for the draft of my 15 page screenwriting script which will help improve it for its final submission, due in two weeks. On 2nd March I start another three units. I’ve decided to do it all again since I’ve shown myself its possible. This will ultimately keep me on track to finish my degree by the end of November this year and allow me to enjoy another summer off before I look for a full time job in 2016. I plan to graduate and celebrate with a holiday mid next year; a reward for four years of hard work, dedication and sacrifices.
No doubt, many other things will happen between then and now as I view the eclipses of life with the one I love, my family, my friends and capture snapshots of them in my time with you. Here is where I now leave all these words and the memories that inspired them – remembering so as to forget and move forward with wisdom and intention. More prepared for the next cosmic event.
Darkened by experience; lightened in reflection,
My time with you.
©2015 Danielle N. Bilski